Tag Archives: Humour

Vaguely political beer limeric

The Thanet MP Roger Gale
Is allegedly fond of his ale
Whilst Alistair Darling
Will only drink Carling
And they’re dry in Altrincham and Sale

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The Book of Wympi – Chapter 1

  1. Lo, I came of age and my father said unto me, “Wympi, my son, you must seek that which I failed to find.”
  2. I was filled with great joy and spake in reply. “O! My father, it is done.” And I yielded unto him the TV remote.
  3. But my father was unsatisfied and replied unto me, “O! My son. That which you must seek is obscured by greater mysteries even than those of the TV remote. You must journey to a distant land and seek the Mighty Chef.”
  4. I trembled, though I knew not who the Mighty Chef was, for His greatness was manifest in my father’s words.
  5. And I spake boldly, for I knew this was my duty, “O my father, pray tell where this Mighty Chef is to be found.” But my father was filled with sadness and spake in his anguish and sorrow, though it rent his heart, “O my son! I know not of the land in which the Mighty Chef may be found.”
  6. Then night came and my sleep was troubled with a terrible dream. In my dream, I was visited by a humble waitress who spake unto me and said, “Wympi, on the morrow you must leave this place and journey to a far off land. There you will know no-one and you will be unknown to all men.”
  7. And the waitress looked down upon me and said, “But in that far off land shall ye find the Mighty Chef, even in his great house, which is called the Dutch Pancake House.”
  8. “And you must beseech of the Mighty Chef instruction in the making of the Flapjack and the Pancake, yea and the Chocolate Thick Shake.”

Xerxes the viola – a music fact-chain

  • The theme music to “Eastenders” (a BBC soap opera on UK TV) is based on an old Hungarian folk song, “Barka macskák történik a sajt” which, literally translated, means “pussy cats are made of cheese”.
  • The famous BBC Maida Vale Studios were, until 1938, a Barnsley Corporation Slipper Baths. Arnold Pelmet (later Lord Pelmet, of Dado), anticipating the formation of the British Broadcasting Corporation by several decades, and the need for studios in Maida Vale by even longer, had the slipper baths dismantled and moved to London in 1887. Listeners to early BBC transmissions from the studios could often hear the splashing of dedicated bathers, who continued to make the journey from Yorkshire for their weekly ablutions, until the bathing areas were drained, following complaints from the BBC Symphony Orchestra.
  • George Orwell referred to Barnsley’s many slipper baths in his book, “The Road to Wigan Pier”. George Orwell (real name, Anthony Lynmouth Blair), wrote many songs, most of which were awful, although “Look out Mrs, I’ve got my clothes pegs!” enjoyed a brief popularity between the wars. George’s writing, however, inspired many songs, including “Sex Crime (1984)”, by the Eurythmics and “Aspidistras Can’t Really Fly”, by Non-existent But Spoilsports Nonetheless.
  • ‘Eurythmics’ is an anagram of “Cue my shirt”, the title of a popular radio programme, broadcast by the BBC during the Second World War. It starred Jimmy Clitheroe, as a seventy-three year-old schoolboy, whose shirt performed in amateur dramatic productions, in the fictitious village of Henley-on-Thames. Sadly, for those keen on developing the concept of fact-loops (see ‘Fact chain’ below), “Cue my shirt” wasn’t broadcast from the Maida Vale Studios.
  • The Dave Stewart, who recorded a cover version of the Lesley Gore hit, “It’s My Party” with Barbara Gaskin, is a completely different person to the Dave Stewart with the same name, who formed the Eurythmics with Scottish diva, Annie Lennox. The identical names came about as a result of a mix-up at an agency, which specialized in providing stage names for up and coming pop stars in the 1980s; Call yourself Dave Stewart Ltd. has since gone out of business. In an ironic coincidence, both Dave Stewarts were christened Max Xerxes.
  • ‘Xerxes’ is a good name for a viola.

Fact-chain:

A ‘fact-chain’ is a list of facts, each of which contains an element from the previous fact in the list, apart from the first fact, which, because it’s the first one, can’t have a preceding fact. Of course, you could say that each fact contains an element, which is featured in the following fact, but then you’d have a similar problem with the last fact in the list. One solution to this would be to ensure that the last fact in the list contains an element, which is featured in the first fact, but would that really be a ‘fact-chain’, or a ‘fact-loop’? Also, although the author isn’t aware of the term ‘fact-chain’ being used in this context before writing this post, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he is the originator of the term. Why have I switched to referring to myself in the third person?  Oh, I’ve stopped now.

Predictions for 2009

Finance:

  • Sterling weakens further and the pound sinks to parity with the Zimbabwean dollar.
  • In a completely unexpected move, the Federal Reserve recommends that the USA join the Eurozone.

Sport:

  • FIA regulations restrict Formula 1 cars to human only power and the World championship is won by a previously unknown tap dancer from Kidsgrove.
  • In response to the continuing credit crunch and declining pound, Lord Coe announces that the 2012 Olympics will be held in the back garden of a Mrs Nellie Pardue of 29 Bramble Way,  Croydon. It is hoped this move will reduce the overspend to around £14bn.

Music:

  • Eligibility for the download chart is restricted to finalists from X-Factor, Pop Idol and Big Brother. No-one over the age of eight notices.
  • It is discovered that Osama bin Laden has been making fake video broadcasts, in which he claims to be Ringo Starr, hates Liverpool and doesn’t want anything to do with his fans. The prank only comes to light when the real Ringo makes an impassioned plea for anyone to get in touch with him; even Sir Paul McCartney.

Technology:

  • Windows version 7 early release is made available. All features of previous releases, including the text editor, calculator, e-mail client, web browser and the ability to run applications are now only available in an add-on entitled “You’re stuffed without this pal – Live!”, expected to cost $99. All familiar menus, options and general features have been moved into illogical and difficult to find groups, which reflect the way Microsoft believe their users think, having not bothered to ask them. The new operating system requires a 3 gigahertz quadruple core processor, 8 gigabytes RAM and 500 gigabytes free disk space. It takes a mere twenty-five minutes to start up and is capable of running MS Word at nearly 50% of the speed Word 1.0 ran on an IBM PC with around one thousandth of the raw computing power, back in 1983.
  • Nintendo release Wii Yum, using a special food tray controller, with built in sensors – the Wii diet dish. Wii Yum allows players to measure food intake and play amusing games, whilst dieting. Amazingly, Nintendo appear to underestimate demand and only ship a dozen units to each continent to cover the first six months sales.

The birth of Scoffle

Scoffle started in mid 1950s London. Teenagers, as they were becoming known, were developing their own cultural identities through rock and roll music, dance and other ideas imported from their exotic and distant American cousins. Although it would be many years before the term ‘fast food’ found its way into popular parlance, the hamburger was already finding favour amongst the newly empowered Youth on both sides of the Atlantic. It was only a matter of time before a fusion of the terpsichorean and epicurean occurred.

The poor “washer-uppers” of London’s myriad cafes and coffee shops soon started using the implements of their trade, as substitutes for the unattainably expensive musical instruments used by the jazz and blues musicians, who influenced what was to become scoffle. In 1955 a down and out plongeur, named Terry Dagenham, assembled a band, which was to set the blueprint for all scoffle combos thereafter. Terry, who chose the stage name “Lenny”, was quick to see the musical possibilities of a piece of string stretched between two waitresses, and it is he who is credited with being the first to carry a rhythm by striking a steel draining board with a knickerbocker glory spoon.

Many other scoffle legends were to emerge over the next five years, including the incomparable Cheryl Croydon and her “Milk-shake Mamas”.  Cheryl and the girls will be remembered for the enigmatic “Two espressos after sunset”, the heart-rending “No starters for table nine” and the epic “Fifty covers before midnight”.

It is Lenny Dagenham however, who was the undisputed king of scoffle. He became as famous for his novelty songs (“Does your relish lose its flavour in the ice-box over night?” and “My old man’s a waiter”) as for his more serious compositions (“Rock Island Diner” and “Seven golden burger buns”).

Unfortunately, the scoffle boom was short-lived and, as the sixties started to swing and the British public started to develop more sophisticated tastes, eschewing the coffee bar for the Chinese restaurant, the hits even dried up for Lenny Dagenham. In 1961 Lenny teamed up with Cheryl Croydon for the innovative “Shake, rattle and spring roll”, featuring Cheryl on chopsticks, but it was not well received by scoffle purists and didn’t threaten the charts.

Scoffle was gone, but no forgotten. It is believed that, prior to forming the Beatles, John, Paul, George and Ringo had all played in scoffle bands – maybe – and scoffle continues to influence song-writers and musicians to this day – probably.

Lenny and Cheryl are no longer with us, but who can honestly say they can order a cup of tea and a slice of toast, at their local greasy spoon, without remembering them?

Navigation by Spam

Have you noticed that slices of Spam don’t have a uniform texture? Each slice contains changes in colour and contour, which look rather like a map of a region of wilderness; albeit, a pink one. Living, as I do, amongst the hills of England’s Peak District, I am familiar with such charts. The other uncanny thing about this tinned meat / cartography correlation is the fact that ‘Spam’ is, of course, ‘maps’ spelled backwards.

Maybe I should point this wonderful phenomenon out to Hormel Foods, owners of the Spam licence. Perhaps specific maps could be incorporated in the Spam manufacturing process. Imagine setting out on some intrepid expedition, with your survival and navigation equipment:

High tech wicking base layer – check
Thermally efficient middle layer – check
Durable, ultra light, breathable outer shell layer – check
Bivi bag – check
GPS – check
Emergency flares – check (I withstood the temptation to insert a 1970s fashion joke at this point)
Water purification tablets – check

Hey, wait a minute! Where’s the Dark Peak region 1:25,000 scale tin of Spam? OK chaps, I need to plot a course to our revised first expedition objective, the village store, tinned food shelf.

Vegetable confusion

Are you easily confused by vegetables? If so, you might be interested in the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ – new from AnnestyCo™.

With the vegetable simplifier, you need never be frustrated by fava beans, baboozled by brassica, stymied by spinach, perplexed by a potato, confounded by a carrot, or astonished by an avocado again.

Yes! With the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ you can feel better than beetroot, superior to sorrel, lord it over lettuce and rule the radish.

How does it work? Well, just place the vegetable which is causing you consternation in the simplifer and press the ‘SimpliVeg™’ button. Within minutes the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ will have simplified the vegetable to a level where even the most vegetably challenged of us can look it in the eye without confusion or fear.

All this can be yours for 99.99 + tax, in the currency of your choice.

Order now and get a free herb negotiating kit (while stocks last).

Please allow up to 14 years for delivery.

Please note:
Owing to the fact that the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ and ‘herb negotiating kit’ are figments of the writer’s imagination, there may be a delay in the fulfilment of your order of anything up to for ever.