Apples and meths

Why oh why do people put stickers on apples? I eat an apple most days and these things are the bane of my life, well my lunch-time anyway. What are they supposed to be telling me? That I’m looking at an apple? I think they usually have the variety of apple printed on them. I’m not sure if this is intended to promote brand loyalty; in my experience, all it promotes is apple sticker loathing. Anyway, how is apple brand loyalty supposed to work? If I like the taste of a Cox’s Orange Pippins, I’ll go out and buy Cox’s Orange Pippins. No amount of well placed apple sticker advertising will persuade me to switch my allegience to Granny Smiths, for example. If the stickers actually tell me which distributor is responsible for ensuring my lunch-time apple is available at the local greengrocers, I can’t say I’ve noticed, and what would be the point anyway?

“Good morning Mr Greengrocer. I’d like half a dozen Cox’s Pippins, but they must be from ‘Scroggins & Co. – farm produce and fruit adhesive specialists’. I understand from their stickers that they are the premier grower and distributor of said apples.”

Some apple stickers have a the words ‘Peel here’ printed on them. Don’t fall for it. ‘Peel here’ actually means ‘You will struggle for the next ten minutes and end up gouging a chunk out of your apple, whilst getting a small amount of apple and apple skin wedged hard under you finger nail. Oh, and the sticker will still be there.’

When you finally manage to remove one of these evil little labels, does it reveal a pristine, shining patch of apple skin? Does it buggery. It leaves a nasty, sticky patch of apple sticker adhesive, which will attract every mote of dust in the vicinity, now that its protective label has been prised off. The only stuff which seems capable of removing the adhesive completely is methylated spirits. I tell you, there have been days when my apple sticker induced frustration has been such that I’ve been tempted to chuck the apple away and drink the meths.