Vegetable confusion

Are you easily confused by vegetables? If so, you might be interested in the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ – new from AnnestyCo™.

With the vegetable simplifier, you need never be frustrated by fava beans, baboozled by brassica, stymied by spinach, perplexed by a potato, confounded by a carrot, or astonished by an avocado again.

Yes! With the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ you can feel better than beetroot, superior to sorrel, lord it over lettuce and rule the radish.

How does it work? Well, just place the vegetable which is causing you consternation in the simplifer and press the ‘SimpliVeg™’ button. Within minutes the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ will have simplified the vegetable to a level where even the most vegetably challenged of us can look it in the eye without confusion or fear.

All this can be yours for 99.99 + tax, in the currency of your choice.

Order now and get a free herb negotiating kit (while stocks last).

Please allow up to 14 years for delivery.

Please note:
Owing to the fact that the ‘Vegetable Simplifier™’ and ‘herb negotiating kit’ are figments of the writer’s imagination, there may be a delay in the fulfilment of your order of anything up to for ever.

A rabbit under the dryer

I’m not a big fan of shampoo commercials.  They try to make out that their products are full of special chemicals that, whilst being entirely safe, can actually change the molecular structure of your hair to make it shinier, straighter, or curlier, (depending on the current fashion).  Rather cleverly, I think – if it were true, the chemicals also undo all the damage done by the other straightening, curling and colouring products the same people try to sell you.  When all’s said and done, shampoo is just over-priced detergent.  It’s washing up liquid with a bit of scent and the silky looking stuff you find in those squishy rubber eyeball things, available from the dubious toys counter at your local newsagent.  You’ve only got to look at the shower-gel most hotels insist on providing, instead of decent, honest soap; the claims printed on the average shower-gel bottle usually suggest that its contents are optimised for your hair, face, under-arms and even your nether regions; one dreads to think what effect the anti-wrinkling agent may have down there.

The manufacturers try to justify their outrageously inflated detergent prices by inventing scientific sounding names for PH neutral surfactant, with a bit of colouring and some harmless additive with a made up name – curlystraightium, or something similar.  Perhaps the additional cost arises from the necessity for ethical animal testing?

“Is everything OK under the dryer Mrs Flopsy?  Would you like a magazine and another carrot?  Have you been on holiday?”