Predictions for 2009


  • Sterling weakens further and the pound sinks to parity with the Zimbabwean dollar.
  • In a completely unexpected move, the Federal Reserve recommends that the USA join the Eurozone.


  • FIA regulations restrict Formula 1 cars to human only power and the World championship is won by a previously unknown tap dancer from Kidsgrove.
  • In response to the continuing credit crunch and declining pound, Lord Coe announces that the 2012 Olympics will be held in the back garden of a Mrs Nellie Pardue of 29 Bramble Way,  Croydon. It is hoped this move will reduce the overspend to around £14bn.


  • Eligibility for the download chart is restricted to finalists from X-Factor, Pop Idol and Big Brother. No-one over the age of eight notices.
  • It is discovered that Osama bin Laden has been making fake video broadcasts, in which he claims to be Ringo Starr, hates Liverpool and doesn’t want anything to do with his fans. The prank only comes to light when the real Ringo makes an impassioned plea for anyone to get in touch with him; even Sir Paul McCartney.


  • Windows version 7 early release is made available. All features of previous releases, including the text editor, calculator, e-mail client, web browser and the ability to run applications are now only available in an add-on entitled “You’re stuffed without this pal – Live!”, expected to cost $99. All familiar menus, options and general features have been moved into illogical and difficult to find groups, which reflect the way Microsoft believe their users think, having not bothered to ask them. The new operating system requires a 3 gigahertz quadruple core processor, 8 gigabytes RAM and 500 gigabytes free disk space. It takes a mere twenty-five minutes to start up and is capable of running MS Word at nearly 50% of the speed Word 1.0 ran on an IBM PC with around one thousandth of the raw computing power, back in 1983.
  • Nintendo release Wii Yum, using a special food tray controller, with built in sensors – the Wii diet dish. Wii Yum allows players to measure food intake and play amusing games, whilst dieting. Amazingly, Nintendo appear to underestimate demand and only ship a dozen units to each continent to cover the first six months sales.

Large Hadron Colander

Since it’s been in the news over the past few days, I decided to look into the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), though not literally of course.

(Free online: Full documentation for the Large Hadron Collider – Posted using ShareThis)

Let’s face it, unless you’re on intimate terms with the Higgs Boson, or just happen to love very big, long, boring corridors with too much plumbing, you may feel a brief perusal of a news article is as close as you need to get. Anyway, as the Neatorama blog observes, the Japanese Heliotron is a much more attractive piece of kit.

However, there are fears in some quarters that the switching on of the LHC will result in the creation of several, if not more, mini black holes, resulting in the destruction of the Earth, Moon and surrounding space. This isn’t news though. The people over at Live Science covered this one a couple of years ago. Apparently the black holes will be so tiny that they’ll gobble themselves up before they even have a chance to add a light seasoning and sprig of parsley to the nearest proton. Unhindered, as I am, by any knowledge of the subject, I found myself speculating on what might be left behind after a black hole has devoured itself; nothing, I presume. Surely nothing is a sort of hole? Given that these non-threatening holes are likely to be produced on a daily basis, possibly up to one a second on busy days, perhaps the Large Hadron Collider should be renamed the Large Hadron Colander?

My thanks to Xorpheous for finding and posting a link to this wonderfully awful LHC rap thing video.